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Archive for the ‘Humor’ Category

Let me first start out by saying that I’m a lover of animals. I’ve got a soft heart and I know “they” know it. It’s difficult for me to turn away an animal in need…

And to attest to that fact, I’ve currently got two dogs and 5 indoor cats – all that came to me, by one way or another, with needs or broken pasts.

It drives my adult children crazy that I have so many and they often state that the one thing they’ve learned from me is to never have more than one cat and/or dog. So be it… Crazy dog/cat lady I am then.

Having said that they, my children, have been part of the reason the animal kingdom in my house has grown. Whether they want to realize it or not their hearts are as soft as mine and they have been party to many of the household arrivals over the years. I think it’s easier for them to blame it all on me since I am the one that ultimately cares for the critters.

As I already stated, I have 5 cats and, mind you, not normal cats as cats go…

One young female has severe allergy issues; requires special food and has to be kept separated from the rest of the household to eliminate flare-ups. Her cute, perky little personality and sweet voice keep us fighting in her corner. My son and I often comment how she would have never survived in the “wild” and we are so lucky she found us…

My beautiful rescued Siamese has a mental disorder which causes her to fear closeness and affection. She will only cuddle and snuggle with my pit bull (which makes me happy that she, at least, has someone she feels close to). The vet told me these types are normally put -to-sleep (PTS) as people have no desire to have a cat that eludes them constantly. So sad.. Because of the lack of human and/or cat interaction during her most important days this beauty carries fear constantly in her mind…

My oldest feline is old (nearly 18 years), stately and refined, and defies the limits of aging. She’s as beautiful now as the day we rescued her from being PTS’ d at a shelter many years and states ago. We dearly love her and hope she continues to live forever.

My only male was, quite literally, dumped at my doorstep eight years ago as a feisty, spitting, flea-covered kitten. He’s caused a lot of destruction in my house that I bemoan to this day but on the flip side, he is affectionate; as faithful and companionable as a dog; and has mellowed much in his older years.

Lastly, is our sweet, impish girl who is frightened of thunder and very loud noises and runs frantically through the house seeking shelter when upset. She tends to hog the water bowl, which we feel is directly attributable to her not having enough water when she lived rough.

And, lastly there’s my dogs…

My decrepit old Chihuahua, who doesn’t want to be bothered by anyone, has no teeth but will still try to bite, and is recognized as the “ruler of the roost”; and my spoiled, kind-hearted pit bull, who tries to act tough but is more frightened of you than you are of her. She is mother, protector and companion to all her “kitties” and loves to stand near them so they rub against her legs with their soft fur.

So, with all these needy souls already in my house, I have stated, quite explicitly mind you, “NO MORE ANIMALS!” I couldn’t possibly have room for anymore – it’s just too much!

And then…

Two weeks ago my daughter was visiting and was talking with my son on the front porch late into the night. I’d already gone to bed and was off into dreamland when she burst into my bedroom. “You have to get up and come outside,” she cried. “There’s a little animal outside crying, it needs help! HURRY!”

I stumbled around and made my way to the front porch. I’m wondering what little animal needs help – a deer? A fawn had gotten it’s head stuck in our fence a few weeks back so that was fresh on my mind. I walk out onto the porch and see this skinny tiger and white kitten. HORRORS! Inside I cringe. I hear my son telling me, “He’s really skinny. He just showed up on the porch while we talking. Should I feed him?” I feel sick. Why ME?

All I can see is another cat, another soul to take care of… I just want to go back to bed and forget. I hope IT will go away. I tell my son to go ahead and feed and water him – after all, I’m not cruel and heartless. As I head back to bed my children (those who would never (EVER!) have more than one cat and/dog!) gleefully set about getting food, water and toys. Again, I secretly hope he’s gone in the morning…

The next morning I walk out the front door and see the kitten sleeping on the rug. Sigh… So much for that! He’s getting comfortable. Also, my children inform me, via text message, they have ALREADY named him Odin. Already NAMED HIM!! I fear he’s here to stay…

The first couple of days I try to resist. I state emphatically that he can’t stay; that we need to bring him to the shelter or find another home. I can’t have anymore – I have too many already.

But then my resolve starts to melt… I notice that he is anemic and covered in fleas. I give him a flea bath and put flea medication on him. I give him worming medications and clean his infected ears.

His little personality is already growing on me. He’s lovable, purrs loudly and loves to be pet. I start to look forward to going out to the front porch, looking for him and spending time just playing and relaxing with him.

I buy him a breakaway collar – which he hated, at first, but I loved. It has a little bell attached and I can hear him padding around and know he is safe and close.

One morning I go out and he is no where to be found for two hours. I really got concerned – he has never been gone that long! I am amazed at myself at how attached I have grown to this little guy! As I begin to lose heart and think he’s been captured (by other humans), injured or worse I hear frantic kitten cries coming from a distance away. I call for him and he finally runs up the hill and to the porch and I can tell that he is so happy to see me! I don’t know what little adventure he had been on but he stays close to me and his purring is loud and pleasurable. And, boy, am I glad to have him back!

As the weeks have gone by Odin’s anemia has vastly improved and he has gained considerable weight. As such, an appointment has been made to get him neutered and get all his shots. He will be the “outside” cat but will be properly taken care of, of course.

Life is not perfect with Odin… He and I silently fight over his destruction of my potted plants – a battle that I have yet to win. But if that is the worst of his evils I guess can live with that… And I worry (about him being outside) but I am trying to live in the moment of him…

His cute tiny and silent meows.
The way he stares deep into your eyes with such adoration.
How he tromps around the yard with the dogs looking so big and yet so small.
How he saves us from bugs and spiders and leaves their carcasses all over the porch.
The way he politely sits and watches, with fascination and respect, the hummingbirds at their feeders.

Odin’s favorite toy is a fabric ball, which he constantly plays with, batting it and carrying it to and fro on the porch. I hope the skills learned with it will carry over into him being a good mouser!

My pit bull is in doggy heaven. She now has kitties IN and OUT of the house. She loves to pin Odin down and clean his little body like a mother, which Odin willingly lets her do. And she lets Odin play with her tail and ears as she lays on the porch floor. They hunt together for bugs and creatures in the grass, which is endearing to watch. And they often sit, side-by-side, at the top of the porch stairs and just stare at whatever animals stare at. Odin has changed even my dogs world…

How will this end? I really don’t know but there’s obviously room in my heart and home (porch) for Odin. Having an outside cat concerns me greatly but I’m hoping he’ll be one of those that sticks close to the house or I’ll end up being worried, hanging around outside longer than necessary, listening for that bell.

Little Odin came here because he needed me and I’m glad I am able to be here for him. He was a great and unexpected joy – isn’t that always the way that it is?

Though, again, I say, almost laughingly and with less conviction than previously, as I watch Odin play with his fabric ball, “No more…” And I need to find that sign that is posted somewhere out there that reads, “NEEDY, SICK OR UNWANTED – APPLY HERE” and pull it up.

Odin

Odin

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Facebook UnlikeSo many people ask me to “like” them on Facebook. When I am asked this I cringe… I just “don’t do Facebook.”

I know many feel it’s a great social platform and they use it to communicate their businesses and social networking causes… After all, statistics show that Facebook is the largest online social networking site.

I used to use Facebook, at least for a couple of years, but I bailed out, haven’t looked back and I really don’t regret it.

The reason why I don’t like Facebook (and subsequently dumped it) was due to a multitude of reasons…

One: People, close to you, get carried away, there’s too much drama and color. They tell everything – what they ate, what their kid did in the toilet, where they are going, they engage in colorful online disagreements, etc. I really don’t care to know what they are doing all the time or want to be part of the negativity in their lives. I know some people love that stuff – I don’t.

Two: I enjoyed, initially, hooking up with people that I hadn’t seen in ages, like people from high school; it was kinda cool. Then, I started to realize after a time, I really wasn’t friends with them in school – I didn’t really know them then and I don’t really know them now – it was all so false. Seemed people were grappling for NUMBERS – how many people followed them. So, I guess, the second thing I didn’t like was all the falseness and there seemed an abundance of it – from everyone!

Three: I began to realize how much PERSONAL information was being pumped into Facebook and I read stories and articles about how government agencies (and other undesirables) were using Facebook as a data mining site. That didn’t sit well with me and I certainly didn’t want to be part of the party. That actually sealed my decision to abort…

But, maybe it was also due to age…

I’m not afraid to admit it!small facesmall face

Some more Facebook statistics shows that the average Facebook user is between the ages of 35-44 years of age and I left 44 in the dust some time ago…

Anyways, nowadays, when I tell people I “don’t do Facebook” it’s like a social faux pas…

People act shocked or dismayed; they plead with me to reconsider; they delete me on other social platforms. Over Facebook! Get REAL!!

I’ve lost friends, both virtual and real, because I “don’t do Facebook.” I find that totally unbelievable…

But I really don’t care. I don’t like Facebook and even though I politely tell them so, they don’t know how to graciously accept it.

So I ask, as apparently I do not know how…

How does one politely tell someone that you “don’t do Facebook“?

And, even more so, how does one do so, so that the other person does not go off in a huff, personally offended as it is, just because you don’t?

It’s a mystery to me but, obviously, people take their Facebook very seriously…

Seductive Facebook

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Did you know that economists were using women’s fashion – outfits and make-up – to gauge the state of the economy?! And you thought these MBA-laden gurus pored over a zillion Microsoft Excel spreadsheets and spent many a long night in heavy debates in boardrooms! HA!

According to an article published in Australia, some economists have faith in the Skirt Length Theory and the Leading Lipstick Indicator as sound market indicators, as both tend to demonstrate the state of the economy. Who would have thunk it??

The Skirt Length Theory, as explained by Investopedia.com, is easy to understand: if skirts are short, the market is is going up; if they are long, the market is going down.

The same site explains the Leading Lipstick Indicator as a theory where consumers turn to “less expensive indulgences, such as lipstick, when she (or he) feels less than confident about the future. Therefore, lipstick sales tend to increase during times of economic uncertainty or a recession.” Supposedly, after the attacks of 9/11 sales of lipstick products doubled.

Another economic indicator is the Hot Waitress Economic Indicator.  Typically, it is propositioned, in a strong economy attractive people hold better paying jobs so are less likely to be found working in lower paying positions. However, in a weak economy, they are forced to look for other work and, thus, are found in lower paying positions such as waitressing.

But don’t feel left out of the economic equation, men! There is actually an economic fashion trend on the male side…

Behold – the Men’s Underwear Index!

Men, unlike women, view underwear as a necessity so sales on male underwear is typically steady and dependable. However, in bad economic times, sales for men’s underwear drops considerably and only picks up again when the economy improves.

Let us hope that 2010 brings shorter hemlines, pale, natural lips, ugly waitresses, and men with drawers of new underwear!

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La Cucaracha, Texas, a fictional town founded in 8000 B.C. in Texas, has its own newspaper and is proud to be home to 137 churches. The city council recently passed a resolution supporting Gov. Perry’s call for state secession. The council cited ten benefits in favor of secession:

1. Texas could create jobs and finally secure our borders by hiring thousands of new border guards.
2. Texas high school students will have a better chance being accepted to the University of Texas now that the majority of its students will be required to pay significantly higher international tuition rates.
3. Citizens would no longer have to sing Lee Greenwood’s “Proud to be an American” song at the county fair.
4. GM vehicles manufactured at the Arlington, TX plant would now be considered imports to American consumers, greatly increasing their desirability.
5. The Rockets, Spurs and Mavericks would each have an excellent chance of making it to the TNBA finals every year.
6. Lonestar Beer would still be the National Beer of Texas.
7. Texarkana would now become a hub of international business.
8. No more stimulus money crammed down our throats.
9. Texas could join OPEC (Organization of the Petroleum Exporting Countries).
10. No more EPA or emissions testing.

A formal letter was sent to Gov. Perry with no response yet from his office.

Secession Resolution Passed

Additional considerations:

11. With six cities (Houston, San Antonio, Dallas, Austin, Ft. Worth, and El Paso) in the top 21 cities (ranked by population) in the U.S. Texas could require that anyone not a resident of Texas file an application, and if accepted, pay resettlement fees and extra charges if they desire to relocate and settle in Texas.

12. Texas citizens only need be concerned about flying the Texas flag on their flagpoles.

Any others?

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Free Hugs Prank

The real free hug guy needs to work on his marketing techniques…

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Pulling Hair OutI’m having one of those days…

  • If one more person cuts me off on the road I’m gonna…

  • If the temperature goes up one more degree I’m gonna…

  • If my kids want one more thing I’m gonna…

  • If I can’t get this statistic problem done correctly for the fifteenth billionth time I’m gonna…

  • If my dog takes a pee in the house before I can let her out I’m gonna…

  • If I have to pick up one more piece of trash in my yard that blows over from the neighbors I’m gonna…

So just leave me alone, if you can please, and let the day complete itself.

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